Wonderful
by Silvern Draco
Summary: Alan muses on himself


_Look at me_

_I'm made of wonderful_

_Wonderful_

_I'm all easy breath and steady_

_Walk_

_Steady walking_

_But underneath_

_I'm barely moving on_

_It's like I'm nothing_

_All the ways they have to_

_Make me_

_Smile and then they go and break_

_Me_

_Wait_

_I think I feel like hell_

_No I can't be myself_

_And I can't be nobody else_

_But if I could_

_Would you love me then_

_Would you love me then_

_Would you love me then_

_Look at me_

_I'm made of wonderful_

_It's terrible_

_I'm all easy come and easy go_

_As far as you know_

_But underneath man I'm just_

_Killing time_

_Guess I'm past my prime_

_And now I'm over rated_

_Over dressed_

_And overstated_

_If I put my hands up_

_Put your hands up_

_If I fall down_

_If I lose my place_

_And I don't know just_

_Where I'm supposed to go_

_Or if you'll be there when I wake_

_Would you love me then_

_Well I come home tired_

_And I come home late_

_Everybody wants me_

_So I give it away_

_I'm a wanted man_

_I'm a wanted man_

_I'm a wanted man_

_I'm a wanted man_

_~Rob Thomas, Wonderful~_

_Sometimes I look out past the years of my life, and I wonder, exactly what the **hell** happened. I don't recall ever thinking _**this**_ was the man I wanted to be growing up, but, here I am and I can't say in all honesty that, even through the _**darkest**_ parts of my clouded past, I'm completely ashamed of who and what I am. After all, it's brought me where I am today and I couldn't think of a better place for someone like me to be. And again, in all honesty, I sometimes wonder just _**how**_ someone like me was _**lucky**_enough to end up where I am, because lord knows, I deserve so much worse…_

Alan Shore chuckled softly as he mulled his thoughts over, a hand absently and gently swirling the glass of scotch that had become mostly watered down from his melted ice. He sat out on the balcony of his best friend, Denny Crane, alone, something that greatly disturbed him, because it was something that hardly ever happened. Sighing, he shifted around, a slight frown pinching his brow as he tried to keep the line of thought he'd been following, hoping to find the end somewhere that made sense to what he was trying to work out.

_I know I'm not a terrible man, but I don't think I'm all together a great, or even good man either. I'm too, accustomed and versed in what I do, and what I do isn't all together pleasant, in fact, it can be down right ugly and twisted. But I enjoy it. Perhaps not the ugliness when it rears its grotesque nature, but I enjoy that I can channel the darker side of me into something worth while and, dare I say, even something with even a small measure of goodness to it._

"Is this a privet party, or can anyone join?" Without waiting for an answer Shirley Schmidt moved out from the darkness of the dimmed office and out into the ambient light of the cool Boston night of the balcony, her eyes twinkling with good natured concern. She knew Alan was having an off day, hell, an off week and it worried her even more when she had found out Alan had opted to stay here instead of joining Denny on one of his excursions to God knew where.

Lately the pompous and over spoken attorney was more despondent then usual for what they had come to know Alan for and it made Shirley worried. She wondered if something more personal was troubling him and what it might have been to bring this about. She hadn't seen him this introspectively self deprecating since they had spoken about what kind of a father he would be.

With a clinking of what was left of his ice, Alan blinked, his brows arching in surprise at the sound of another human voice, then he quickly stood and turned to face her, gesturing with a hand as he smoothed the front of his jacket with the other, making sure to arrange his face in a pleasing and hopefully convincing mask of togetherness, "Shirley, what are you still doing here, I thought most everyone had left already. Of course you may join me, any party I have is an open invitation, even my sleep overs with Denny, I'm certain he'd have no objections to you joining us."

"As flattering and may I say, frightening an offer as that is, I think I'll settle for joining you out here tonight." Shirley had to chuckle at the quick witted way Alan was able to bat aside any attention to himself when he didn't want it and as she moved around to join him, she drew closer, coming to stand just off to his side. Taking a slightly measured breath, she frowned ever so slightly and reached out to lay a hand lightly on his arm that was closest to her, her head dipping a fraction as she stared into his eyes.

"Honestly, Alan, what's going on and please don't insult what I've come to treasure as a dear friendship, by lying to my face. I know when something is troubling you and it has been for awhile now. You don't have to say a word for me to see it in you, it's in the silence that speaks volumes were your words used to…" She didn't know what it was, but Alan's way with words came easily to her when she wanted to pry something out of him and she knew he loved hearing his lyrical way of speaking in someone else. Though Alan had often complimented the eloquent way Shirley spoke. Besides Denny, Alan had been one of the only men she had ever felt somewhat outclassed by when it came to expressing oneself with words alone. Not that she'd ever come right out and say it.

For a moment Alan just stared, his mouth partway open as if he was on the verge of saying something. Then he broke out into a half smile with a dip of his head, a grind of his jaw and a conceding nod as he let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. In that small outlet of air his entire façade seemed to crack and melt away, leaving the raw feelings and thoughts plainly visible in his posture, his face, his eyes. Setting down his glass, he reached up and laid his hand over the one Shirley had on his arm, patting it softly before he looked back up to meet her gaze.

She was simply watching him and smiling, the soft light of the building casting an oddly warm glow over her hair and face, illuminating her in a way that reminded Alan of renaissance angels or ladies in oil paintings you'd find in Italy. It was always in these small moments that it struck Alan just how lovely she really was, it was as if the inner goodness of her heart just simply glowed through and made her face radiant with it's warmth.

_I wonder if I ever glowed like that, even for a second in my life... Or if this, dark heart has always been in me, always been my nature…_

"Why don't we sit first?" In a rough whispering, Alan spoke without censoring his tone, letting his wall down almost all the way like he never really had before around her. Not even when he'd been speaking about his fear of having a family and what a terrible parent he was afraid he'd make, had he really let how he felt, flow through in his every action, in his every word.

"Of course, Alan…" Shirley answered him with a tender voice, a bit startled at just how upset he seemed to be. Never taking her eyes off him, she sank down into the chair that was usually reserved for Denny and watched Shore closely, her hand pulling away and clasping into a fist as if she might be able to draw some of that melancholy that clung to Alan, away from him with that simple gesture.

Once she was seated, Alan resumed his own and he took a moment to look back over the city, part of him wondering what it was Denny was up to with out him. After that contemplation he took a second to collect himself, wavering on if he wanted to really open this up with her and even frowned as he turned his gaze back to her, but murmured, "…_Shirley, does it ever scare you what you've become, or where you've ended up? Did you ever think it would be like this?"_

Her first instinct was to lie, to say that it never crossed her mind to be scared of what and who she was, or the places that it had taken her, but Alan deserved better then that. Picking up his glass she took a sip of it and without so much as blinking she nodded, "Yes, sometimes I wonder and even cry over the paths I've taken, or walked past… I worked hard to get where I am, but did

I ever think it would leave me twice divorced, wondering if there was something more I could have said for a client's case that because it was lost, they lost everything, or if I made the right choice in letting my father linger so long in a hospital bed… No, I didn't. I don't think we ever really know where we're going to end up, or who we'll be at the end of the road, I think the best we can hope for is to be happy with the journey and person we find ourselves being at the end of it all."

When it seemed Alan wasn't sure what to say, or that Shirley may not have said the right thing, she dipped her head down and considered something before speaking again, "Alan, we all have hills and valleys in our lives, some higher or lower then others, and we all get stuck in them or on them from time to time, but that doesn't make us bad people. It's simply part of the journey. As long as you have the will to climb that next hill, and put behind you what you've crossed, that's all that matters. And hopefully you've learned a little more about yourself in the process. Otherwise, what's the point?"

Turning towards him she smiled, watching him with a fondness that only a dear friend could have, "Alan, I've watched you climb, fall down and drag yourself through so much in these past several years, and every time you stumble, every time you get back up, I see the man you really are, and he's a good man, with a caring heart and such compassion and love for what he does. And what you do best Alan, is champion those who can't climb on their own, you carry those who need it and it's a wonderful thing to watch. I know you like to get caught up in the swamps as it were and focus only the darker side of yourself, but you are so much more then that. I wish you could see the man I see when I look at you. You are a good, caring man and I am proud to call you my friend."

As Shirley looked at him, Alan could only gape softly at everything she had said to him, but it was the last sentence she had spoken that had struck him to the core. She was _proud_ to have him as a friend…

Alan wasn't sure what to say, at least in the way of answering her that would convey how very deeply touched he was at her words and with a smile that shinned out through his eyes he shifted in his chair and sat forward, reaching out with a hand to lay it gently on her forearm as he spoke, "…Out of everything you have ever said to me, Shirley, I am most honored by those last few words spoken and I in turn must say, I have always been proud to have someone with such a good, pure heart and caring personality in my life. You truly are a gift, Shirley and I thank you for letting me be part of your life and this firm."

If someone as good and kind hearted as Shirley could be proud to have him, Alan Shore, in their life, perhaps he wasn't such a bad fellow after all…


End file.
